PUNS
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PUNS !!! [WHOOPSIE.]

An attempt at humor by me. Home-made jokes. By Paul Hall.
So alright, maybe that's not as good as Hawaiian Dancing Girls by the Swimming Pool by Pool Hula.
But it will halve to dew.

Remember my motto:

"TELL JOKES LIKE CRAZY!"

There was a guy on the street screaming all sorts of invectives and profanity until suddenly he got crushed by a huge letter "a". This boggled the mind of a tourist (there were also tourists in a near-by prison in hand-cuffs but they were two-wrists) who asked a passer-by what the heck was that. "What's the matter with you?" The local sneered. "Don't you know one always types at the curser?"

Hannibal invaded Rome by crossing the Alps. That's funny, I didn't read anything about the alps hanging out with Hannibal. But let's not use slang here. He invaded Rome by betraying the Alps. How many Alps I don't know. History is written by the winning side, which in this case was ultimately the Romans. Like I said, I don't know. I just tell the jokes. I think one of them must have been Alp Capone.

You didn't know that? History is written by the winning side. Hysteria is written by the loosing side. That's why I used to use the history class in school to catch up on my sleep. I figured it was better than getting propagandized. Miss Mckenney never left her desk and I sat behind a fat kid who was so big I could fall asleep for the entire class eclipsed from our teacher's scholastic gaze by the enormous silhouette between us. So when they say "fat chance" regarding being able to sleep in school, they aren't kidding.

That reminds me of some of the dangers of living near mountains. For example: Africa. You know what happened to the Munjeros? Well, haven't you ever heard of Mount Kill-a-Munjero?!?

Anyway, Hannibal crossed the alps with a huge army and elephants (a lot of them didn't make it) and of course lots of cooks. The army ate on the march so they ate Chinese food. You see, one of those cooks can cook on a walk. Good thing those guys didn't eat on the ides of March.

The Romans were famous for their roads. Like the Roman Emperor who built the famous Apian Way. He was an Arrivaderchi Roman.

Oh well, as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. It was built in a day dream. It had to be. You don't build a city that size with such lousy sewage. To do so would be sewer side. But you've got to hand it to them, they did build great aqueducts to transport water on that infrastructure right from mountain streams to down town Rome. Hence the saying "aquius verbavocatiri" or "water you talking about".

Of course the aqueducts were open so they used to have lots of water birds riding into town. Mostly ducks. I think that's were they got the name. At first it had to be aqaduck. Of coarse if they did their thing in the water, the structure would then bear the new nomenclature of "acridduck".

Of course the French word for duck is canard. One of the most expensive dishes in a good French restaurant is "duck in orange sauce" or "canard a l'orange". To which a poor Frenchman might say "canard me derange" because of the frightful expense of such an entree.

Because they're so cute, lots of things are named after ducks. No not ductape! That's more appropriately called ducting tape. There is a duck tape, though. It's really a tape worm prevalent in ducks. And so the French word is also famous for it's adaptability. Take for example the word cannard which I actually imagine to have originally been coined as cannerd.

A cannard is a foreword wing foil on an aircraft which has been designed by a can of nerds known as a think tank.

There was a think tank one time that was so smart that when there was a battle it would go the other way.

German tanks are so smart they have ants in their panzers. One German think tank came up with a flying breakfast known as the Luftwaffle.

It was so cold last winter that one day I saw a piranha fish frozen in the sidewalk. Oh well, it was a little nippy. It was so cold one feared to venture forth in slippers because there was so much ice and it was slippery.

Out in the west they used to keep themselves warm on those cold winter nights by burning them cattle logs. There was Mais Si's and Seals and Low Bucks, and lots more. You see, for you folks who have never been out there around South Dakota where they have lots of cattle, well, I gotta fill you in on a few things. Out there the cattle leave stuff that makes great fuel when it's dry enough and that has got to be them catalogues. I'm sure that it's best to use the polite term for it.

One poor guy became the keeper of a light house out on the Maine seacoast. Until one day it got so light it floated away. He was the Main man. Now down in North Carolina, they had a light house that was on it's side and sitting laterally. How do I know? I heard someone down there call it a "lat house".

In the Outer Banks down there in North Carolina, when you drive in a parking lot you have to have a good sense of humor, because someone down there once told me that when you drive in a parking lot you really are taking your laugh in your hands. Who was telling me I couldn't understand the natives. I can understand the natives. Down there is where the famous pirates like Black Beard used to hide out and the natives are also, some of them, actually descended from those guys. One was descended from an excellent baker who used to decorate pies for birthdays. He wrote on them so he qualifies on a technicality because he was a pie writ.

That reminds me of the sports fan who was a baker on a yacht. His favorite club was the "Patriots", but he had become a "Pastry-yacht".

Now further on to Florida where they launch rockets at a place called, I guess, Coco Beach. I think they pay for all those rockets and the shuttle landing strip and all by selling quilts and sleeping bags and warm coats, because every time they stuff the feathers into the quilts, someone mentioned that they have a "count down". This fighter at a boxing match was down for the count. At mid day they take a break to eat. That's when they start asking "What's for launch?".

That reminds me of the guy with the flying carpet. It was a canary in the back seat.

This other guy tried to use a flying carpet to change the oil. Now that's useful because it's a movable item. But then when he tried to use it the carpet up and flew away. Must have been on a flyday. You see, he had gotten it wrong and thought he had him a flying car pit.

Some guy was trying to sell cans of air. That's a can-airry.

The one part of a department store that doesn't move in an earthquake is the stationary department. It's stationary. Now, the tall building architects are trying to develop a device that compensates for the swing and sway of a sky scraper in an earthquake and the thing is called a dampener. They better watch it. If it gets too damp they could get a tidal wave. Anyway, it shows their heartfelt concern. I mean they really give a damp.

I had a stationary once, but it was a canary at a train station.

This guy tried to use the catalogue to order a pair of ramps to change the oil in his car and went berserk. Well, that's logical. After all, when it happened, he was on the ramp page.

A guy told me the toughest pill he ever had to take was one he got for himself to cure writer's cramp. It was a writing tablet.

How does a two-ton canary sound? Click here to see.

Why do elephants have large ears? Because they travel in herds. I mean, you should know that one, it's so logical. What do elephants pack their clothes in? Ha, Ha! Don't worry. I just wanted to scare you into imagining that I was going to tell you a bunch of elephant jokes.

One dad got his kid to eat beans by claiming they were candy. The kid didn't believe him until he grabbed the fourth can and said, "See, this one is can D."

One kid had a lunch pail he took to school with him that had a special computerized image on it that if you looked at it long enough it would turn into a 3-D picture. Well he looked at it so long while in class that he also got 3 D's on his report card.

That reminds me of the A plus student that got stung by a B on his report card. It must have been Africanized. That's the only explanation. It could be worse, he could have stepped on a colony of those fire ants and become pedantic.

One hunter always drank wine before duck hunting. He used his fourth shot gun for fowl and it was bird gun "D".

Someone was complaining about how hot it was. I tried to look at the silver lining and said, "I know it's ninety-eight but cheer up: there are so many degrees that one of them has got to be a PHD!"

A while back I saw Willie run past with his shirt all in shreds. Fearing something had happened, I called out. "Oh, don't worry," he said, "I was just in such a hurry that I had to take a shirt cut."

One guy went duck hunting in the middle of deer season. It was because of the trigger-happy other hunters. Though he was ducking the flying slugs, he was sure there must have been a quack in the armory.

Some wars are so expensive that they cost the countries an armory and a legacy.

The only way to keep from working the morning shift is to become a king. They only work knights. Lots of kings didn't pay any bills over the ages because of their social order, known as the "No Billity". One guy worked a third shift but he was a truck driver using a cluch.

One knight used aluminum foil, but then he graduated to an aluminum rapier.

Hence the saying, "Good knight shirt". Lots of them wrote chain letters because, of course, they needed chain mail under the armor.

When the moon hits your eye like a shield on the fly, that's "amour-eh?"! Hey, I could also use the word "armory".

There was a politician in Washington who was trying to pass the buck, so he got a red pencil and wrote "C-" on a dollar bill and called it a low pass.

There was a European balloonist who thought he might be able to be the first to fly around the world by floating the Euro.

One guy got air sick. He flew up.

The astronauts tried to play the cosmonauts in a game of basket ball up at space station Alpha, but it turned out to be high ball.

There was a plane on a mission until the padres got mad so it was taken off the roof. There was minimal damage that turned out to be quite a lot, about what that mini mall would make in a month.

In the 1800's they built fast clipper ships. One time they built one out of a huge redwood tree and there was enough to make a second ship but it looked exactly like the first one because it was a ship off the old block. I mean, some people only see things in block and wide.

One guy didn't bring his wig to the store, because he figured that bald-headed, he could shop for free because he wouldn't have toupee.

The team leader told this commando that when he went in to "give it your best shot", so the guy gave it a penicillin shot.

One person made his pick-up truck go really fast: he installed ceramic tile in the bed of the truck and after that he could really floor it.

One executive survived a computer crash by bailing out with a golden parachute. Another guy made it by firing a gun at the ground twice before impact. That was a pair of shoots. One guy used a blow gun made of a bamboo shoot.

Two guys were having an altercation. When asked why, one explained angrily that their tailor had gone away for the summer and they were now preoccupied with this alteration vacation.

One criminal never washed his coffee mug and one day it made him kind of sick, so they had to give him a mug shot.

What's all this fuss about packaging these days?!? I know what boxes, but what does Beethoven say?

The US is going to have a new all-service strike fighter in the air soon. But then all of a sudden the Aussies have gotten really cleaver and gone and invented a hydrogen jet that can fly in the upper atmosphere at something like mach seven. It's going to go like buggerie; like a yabbie with a hot pin in his head; like a drop bear in mid air. You see, no one's going to be able to fly the Aussie jet because mach seven would kill the normal bloke so they're going to get Crocodile Dundee from up there in Queensland to do it if they can prize him out his Forrester. Now the Americans don't need all that speed 'cause they're using a thing called stealth. Whereas the Aussies will be using their hydrogen fuel on their aircraft, the Yanks will be more concerned with what you might call hide-your-jet. The English might come up with a vertical takeoff stol aircraft that burns "hide-your-gin", whilest the Russians might one-up them all with a new fuel called hide-your-vodka, as in: "Where's the wodka?" "I don't know, sir! Someone must have hidden it -- hick!"

Somebody asked this guy did he write his own jokes. "Yes", he said, "they keep capsizing". Imagining him to be a smartie, the other retorted, "Oh so your jokes capsize?" "Sure enough", said the guy taking off his ball cap and pulling out a joke, "This one's eight-and-a-half." The other man started to get out of there when the guy replied, looking around everywhere, "Now you really have to be careful. I saw a kid with a cap gun!"

Talk about cap guns, what ever happened to the legendary swallows that always came back, year after year to the legendary town of Capistrano? You know, the famous swallows of Capistrano. Well, what I think is that the pollution got them or the tourists scared them away. Now what they have returning are the swallows of Cappuccino.

Did I tell the joke already about the boomerang? I forgot, but if I did, just skip to the next joke. This guy had a boomarang that never came back; it was a lemon meringue.

There was a stampede at the post office. It was, of course, a millipede on a postage stamp.

A tourist took a photograph. When he had it developed it was eighteen feet tall. He realized his mistake. Instead of taking a photograph, he had inadvertently taken a photogiraffe.

A shopper at a retail store thought better of buying a toaster oven. "After all," he imagined, "I couldn't afford the champagne to make the toast with." That annoyed him somewhat and he though to himself, "You know, that's a real champagne in the what next." You notice more and more that consumers are buying less of what they want and more of what they need. Like the guy putting down carpets. But that was actually more of what he kneed. You might ask what that has to do with retailing, but one large chain has an oil change service. The other day someone was criticizing the oil changing bays. Well, that's putting down car pits. Close enough.

Another shopper realized he couldn't yet afford a television set, so he left the store, walked up a hill, waited for five hours or so, and got a sun set instead.

One customer bought four pillows because, after looking at an anatomy book in the book nook, he thought he had a fourhead.

Another, too poor to afford an air conditioner, went to health and beauty aids and got a hair conditioner instead.

These commuters were getting one same sort of repetitive stress injury. It was called something like car-pool tunnel syndrome. I think it was the same for bridges. Some kind of phobia.

One retail store, to attract customers put up a special attraction in their domestics department (you know, the section that has all those household goods), towels from Italy that hung on the towel rack slanted! That's right. They were the leaning towels of Pisa. They had some from France that were made of iron. Those were the Eiffel towels. One shopper snagged an associate working there in domestics. He was trying to build an observatory in his back yard and needed a dome and he had been in the department for an hour now and couldn't find any.

You know, this guy had a dog once that was a special kind of retriever in the collie family of dog breeds. That's right. But this wasn't a hunting dog, because, as you know the collies are usually work dogs and so was this one. He used to retrieve watermelons for his master. He was a melancholy.

That reminds me of the guy with the Dalmatian. When that doggie got off the leash, no one could find him at night unless they had a spot light. One time it got into a nocturnal dog fight and they had to use a spat light.

On independence day, there's always some kind of fireworks going on somewhere here in the states. Well, in this one small town there was a crotchety old man that used to spend a fortune putting on a show, even putting up bleachers. But people who where at variance with him, especially his enemies, never went no matter how good it was, because he would stand in front of the fireworks, light hand-held sparklers and point them at those people he disliked. And it was well known that his spark was worse than his spite.

This one retailer was so very helpful but customers who knew him would cringe when he said cheerfully, "and we can help you with anything else, LET US KNOW!"... Because, sure enough, a little while later, it would snow lettuce. Oh yes, there is some form of lettuce that can do that, I think it's called iceberg lettuce.

This classical music buff used to have shiny classical music because he buffed it. He himself was a cellist in a symphony orchestra. If he had a birthday on a rehearsal day, they all sang a round of "...for he's a jolly good cello that nobody can deny...". Anyway, when he got home and pulled out his house key on his key ring, the keys would make beautiful music. That was because they were tchaikovs keys.

This guitarist was stuffing sheets of music into his guitar. He was hoping to be better able to tune his instrument, imagining himself to be more fortunate than violinists. The larger guitar had more room for the tunes.

A tourist wanted to visit bridges in a war zone that had machine gun nests, mistaking them for the other kind of covered bridges.

The metropolitan opera hired a man to do estimates on how much any opera would cost. His form of consultancy is much in demand. He is what is known as an opera rater. In fact, because it was such a large concern, he turned out to be a big time opera rater.

There was a war that was won without a shot. No one could fire a round because the rounds had such a good union. You see, there certainly is great advantage to arbitration after all. That was the reason why the north won the American Civil War: everyone knows the difference between the union and the confederacy is that unions arbitrate. They even had manufacturers that made cavalry boots that would wear out if the men took a couple of steps in them. The reason was that they were only to be worn on horseback. Man, that's what I call arbetration.

They had rounds in another war, didn't they? Oh, yes... that one was the Cavaleers and the Round Heads. Now they had to fire their rounds because they had neither unions nor confedracies. But I guess the workers won anyway. They had to be the victors because they became so disgruntled.

So you see? It pays to unionize. Then you could win a war without firing a round. That was their problem after all is said and done: they had such a cavaleer attitude in calling them "rounds" in the first place. Why not just call them employees? They never learn. In another war, they let their mercineries call their opponents "yankees". There you go. Another case of disgruntled employees. No arbitration. The reason they call it arbitration is because there is a letter "r" in the word. Actually, it comes from the French word "arbre" meaning tree. If they didn't like what they said they just hung the louts.

Nowadays, they don't have those problems because they don't call them rounds or employees or workers or anything else, and they don't fire anyone. They call them "associates" and they "terminate" them! Now, that's useless. How could you make a pun out of that? Once there was a war that was won without terminating an associate. Useless.

A lumber jack had an accident but didn't get hurt, He dented an axe and had to get it fixed, so he took it to a dentist.

A guy was on the way to Boston from New Hampshire, when he crossed the border between New Hampshire and Massachusetts a minor transformation took place: he was drinking a cup of coffee and when he got to the toll booth it turned into carfee. The passenger was wearing a tea shirt.

I tried mixing coffee and tea. Don't do it. It was back in Fort Monmoth, the nucleus of the Army Signal Corps, and I was trying to stay awake studying "calculating machine repair" at three in the morning in the summer of 1966. At the mess hall durring dinner break, I used to put tea bags in a bowl of coffee. It didn't work then, but I really haven't been able to sleep right ever since. You see, by doing so, I crossed my teas. I've gone around the world twice and when I try to go to bed at a decent hour in San Diego, my brain thinks I'm in Sydney. That passenger was out of his mind. He should have worn a coffee shirt. That must be a tea shirt with long sleeves and doughnut-shaped gloves attached to the cuffs.

There was one guy who was very pretentious. You think that was bad, you should have seen him later when he was posttentious.

There was an emperor named Tentious because he was always camping out in tents. Intense.

They say life's a beach. That must explain why there's sand in hour glasses. There was this contest where some kids competed against each other by roiling hard boiled eggs. The kid that got there fastest used an egg timer.

I was out on the beach the other day, trying to do some body surfing. You know they did that in the middle ages? Yes, my high school history book said that there were surfs back then on some sort of beach called a fiefdom. And all the nobles were out there trying to catch the surfs. They should have used pizzas! That'd gettem. Then the best one would win the noble pizza prize.

Anyway. I was trying to catch the waves but they were just too darn fast for me. So I went to the convenience store and got a bottle of that hair do stuff and went back and poured the whole bottle into the ocean and ended up with a permanent wave. I was also able to keep cool because I also bought me a hair conditioner.

I saw a porpoise flip out of the water. He probably landed on the other guys so that means he did that on porpoise.

I was telling someone a bunch of my jokes a while back and he said, "...Get a life". Well, I thought about that for a bit and then responded, "I tried, but then I realized I couldn't afford it, so I got a Newsweek instead." Guess what? He laughed!

Once it rained so hard the roof started to leak, so I thought I'd better try to cheer everyone up. I was telling a bunch of my jokes when one guy said, "Sorry, I gotta be going. What time is it?" To which I responded "A quart a rafter".

I was working in a discount store when I saw someone buying five cases of bottled spring water. I said, "Man, you must have a powerful thirst!" But he said, to my surprise, "Nah. I have a water bed and I thought I'd go ahead and put a spring in my mattress!"

They say time flies. So I thought I'd sort of slow things down by putting up lots of fly paper. Well, that didn't work but I got scientific and figured how to capture time. You put it in an hour glass. So I thought I would improve my invention and I went the the hour glass factory to see how the pros did it. You know what those fools were doing? They were putting SAND in their hour glasses!

Seriously, you know how to save time? Put in a time bank. Only trouble is the darned things haven't even been invented yet. I guess they're still working on the sand bank.

Oh well, an ounce of invention is an epicure.

This intellect was trying to understand about his shredder so he was reading Euripides. He though it meant "you rippa these".

This guy was telling me about hydrogen hydroxide, you know, that's the chemical name for water. I agreed with his hypothesis but I guess he didn't get it when I said, "...water, you talking about!...".

Two businessmen were wrapping up a deal and one says to the other, "Man. You drive a hard bargain." To which the other immediately replies, in a disarmed and astonished tone, "... How did you know I have a used car?"

So they finally manage to land a spacecraft, which is a polite word for "robot", on the surface of the forbidding moon of Saturn, Titan. They send back photographs of the place and all you can see is orange fog and a few pebbles. Hey, I don't mean to detract from the spectacular achievement. It's just too bad we couldn't get a shot of the two blobs of green slime slithering out of that methane lagoon and repairing the broken antenna.

Instead they describe the terrain as "pumpkin-like in color". Well, boys, you didn't have to land a robot on Titan for that, I know a guy right here on earth that has pumpkin. Of course, it's not as dramatic; they're merely some of his relatives manning a pump. Maybe you could have helped him out by making one of your zillion-euro robots into a sump pump. Hey, that's an idea for the next Gadrazini to Sauterne: send up a sump pump and expose those slime characters. I mean, if they're so smart, maybe you can ask them to help solve the mystery on Earth of the dilemma of an appropriate minimum wage. We haven't had a wage hike in so long because everyone's so used to riding in cars.

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